I was so focused on Losar that it only hit me yesterday that it’s Fat Thursday — so maybe I should share a recipe for the occasion.

But definitely not for doughnuts. Everyone makes doughnuts, and there’s so much damn work involved that only a fanatic makes them at home instead of going to Magda Gessler’s place or a Biedronka supermarket and buying a whole box. Sure, you’ll spend as much time in line as you would in the kitchen — but you won’t get filthy or smell like frying oil.

When I fried the specialty I prepared for you here, I did it like a complete idiot — with my experience, I should have known better — and I was doing it in my favorite Ben Sherman tracksuit (for those who don’t know: alongside Fred Perry, one of the most classic subculture brands, dating back to the 1960s mod scene).

INGREDIENTS

• 320 g flour
• 50 g margarine
• 200 g soy yogurt (or other plant yogurt)
• salt
• 30 ml apple cider vinegar

METHOD

Knead all ingredients thoroughly and for quite a long time, so the dough becomes aerated — meaning tiny air bubbles form inside it.

I do this in a planetary mixer — one of those tools I can’t imagine a kitchen without anymore. Smaller batches can be made in Thermomix-style machines, though I haven’t tested that yet. I’ll probably try it next time in my Krups.

Wrap the finished dough in plastic wrap and place it in the freezer for two hours.

After removing it, roll the dough out to about 1 mm thickness. Cut into strips and irregular pieces of different lengths and shapes.

They shouldn’t be identical — just like in a bundle of forest brushwood, there are no two identical twigs. Each piece should differ, but loosely resemble little branches.

Fry in deep oil at 150°C (302°F) — a thermometer is another very useful kitchen tool.

Drain on double or even triple layers of paper towels, top and bottom, pressing lightly to remove excess fat.

Dust through a sieve first with cocoa, then with powdered sugar. Toss to coat.

VARIATIONS

Some ideas — for you and for my future experiments:

• Colored dustings or additions to the flour besides cocoa — matcha, spirulina, darker flours — to mimic the varied colors of branches.
• Add high-protein flours (lupin, almond, etc.) to the wheat flour.
• Coat with chocolate, chill so it sets on the crust, then dust with powdered sugar.
• Make a savory, spicy version — lightly salted (not too much!) — great as a carbohydrate side instead of fries. Worth trying baked for lower fat.

I’m tempted to serve these for Losar with dipping sauces in ramekins — chocolate and something like a vegan “egg-yolk” style sauce from my Easter menu.

NOTES

Don’t leave the dough too long in the freezer, especially if there’s lots of empty space — it freezes faster then. If the outside starts turning brittle, take it out.

Alternatively, you can refrigerate it for 12 hours, which extends production time but works well.

Use ventilation, open windows, and work clothes — even small batches will make everything smell like old fryer oil.

SERVING

Pile them on a plate so they resemble a heap of brushwood — forest twigs.

WORDPLAY & CULTURAL NOTE — CHRUST vs CRUST

This recipe is built around a bilingual pun:

• Chrust — old Polish name for what are now commonly called faworki (angel wings): thin fried pastry ribbons eaten on Fat Thursday. The word literally means brushwood / twigs.
• In the 19th century, elites trying to sound French replaced the old Polish name with faworki (from French faveur — ribbon/bow).
• A plate full of them looks like a bundle of twigs — hence the original name.

My twist is Crust — spelled like the English word and referencing crust punk, one of the most extreme subgenres of punk (music and lifestyle). So:

crust → chrust → fried twig pastry

Same sound, different worlds — forest brushwood vs. punk subculture.

I don’t make the classic bow-tie shapes — partly because I always remix things my own way, and partly because tying f…g dough bows is fiddly work and I’m not into pastry handicrafts. Let’s say manual dexterity i’m good only in wanking.

Because Fat Thursday falls right before Losar, I’ll be making this Crust for 40 people. When I develop something new — snacks, bread, whatever — I usually invite everyone at the Center to test it. Their reaction decides whether the recipe gets published, added to the menu, improved, or disappears into oblivion, devoured by Cthulhu.

My boss loved the crust and said it’ll be perfect for Losar — especially since Tibetans also make fried dough for the holiday, often braided into meter-long plaits that make Polish faworki look like a first-grader’s handwriting drills next to the class overachiever’s notebook.

When I was still a young rascal, it amused me greatly that Losar often lands right around Ash Wednesday — because when Lent begins for Christians, carnival begins for me. Funny how easily that could spark a “religious conflict” — Buddhists throwing parties on Ash Wednesday, and if they’re really orthodox, celebrating through the first two weeks of Lent.

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